A meeting with myself

First Part

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I sit in silence and listen to the sounds that are constantly rustling from the rain. I put on some soft music and said I would enjoy it. But something doesn't allow me to enjoy it. Memories of childhood come back to me. Of life.

I closed my eyes and saw myself. I was sitting with my mother while she was selling grapes. I thought I would go to my father's. At that point, I was only seven years old, but I knew that I should cross the street at a pedestrian crossing. And I started towards the pedestrian who was a bit down the road, but I passed it… I got lost, and I no longer knew where I was. I got lost. I was far away from my mother. And now far away from my father.

I don't know what happened. I still remember the intersection to this day, and I still know where I was supposed to go.

I started crying. A girl found me and stopped me. She took me to her yard, and I still remember the plastic table and chairs. She gave me water, told me she was here to help me, and waited for me to calm down. I stopped crying and managed to explain where I was and where I wanted to go. I don't remember what I told her, but now I realize that I explained well enough, as she managed to get me back to my mother.

I can still feel her tears, the fear in her voice that she would never see me again. I still remember all the love gathered in that one hug. As if she was hugging me with her soul.

Sorry, baby, you didn't do anything wrong, don't worry.

We were playing hide-and-seek with my brother. There was a mattress folded in half. I was so small that I could hide in the middle without anyone noticing me. My brother threw himself on the mattress… he was so fast that he hit me in the stomach and left me breathless. We were little, and we were afraid to tell my father, so we wouldn't get beaten.

We pretended to play while I struggled to breathe.

I don't know how many seconds I was like that, but it seemed like an eternity.

All my childhood years passed before my eyes. I was 3 seconds away from death. Luckily, I was able to exhale. It passed.

Sorry, little one. I'm sorry that your big brother didn't protect you, so he could protect himself.

He almost killed you unintentionally, trying not to get you both beaten up.

Forgive him, little one. He was just a kid, too.

Birthdays… like they were punishing me for something. Well, I think that was the first and last time my brother tried to help me. He offered to go to the fields instead of me, so I could celebrate my birthday with my friends…

I'm sorry, little one, that the day you were born was not considered a day to celebrate.

I'm sorry, little one, that you don't have people around you happily waiting and celebrating your birthday.

Forgive them, you don't deserve that.

Hey, imagine being slapped at 15? To walk around with a bruise, to walk around with shame. Or inventing lies about why you have a black eye. And why? Because it's easier to jump to conclusions than to talk. One question, and everything will be clarified. And I don't know which is worse, the one who causes you pain, or the one who made them think it's okay to hit someone for something they imagined.

I'm sorry, little one, that it was easier to raise you with a beating than with a word.

Sorry, little one, that it was hard for them to ask you, and even harder to believe you.

Forgive them, little one. They knew so much.

Little one, you are the only obstacle in your life. Anything you can imagine, you can achieve.

I want you to know that you are very brave, braver than anyone I know.

You succeeded alone against everyone. And you always dealt with your problems alone. I'm sorry that you didn't have the support of your loved ones. I'm sorry that you were your shoulder to cry on.

And when they told you that you would never be a good person, they were wrong!

You are a great person.

You have a heart as big as a mountain. And as long as you have a big heart, you are the richest person in the world!

And they… they only have money.

I want you to know that you're getting better every day.

And when your world collapses, you are smiling.

You are cultured. Educated. Hardworking. Pedantic.

Thank you for rearranging your closet a hundred times out of boredom.

Thank you for taking care of yourself and fighting for yourself.

Thank you, little one, for instead of arguing and rebelling, you crossed your fingers and prayed for a better tomorrow.

And I want to apologize to you, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart.

For every jump of fear when someone suddenly appears. I promise you that no one will ever raise a hand on you!

Sorry for every tear shed and every unheard wish.

Forgive me and forgive them for not giving you support. I will always be here for you, I promise!

Forgive them for taking months to pick up the phone to apologize, to hear how you are.

Forgive them that even when they knew you were not well, they still criticized and attacked you.

Forgive them for not giving you the right to choose.

Forgive them for everything they did to you; they didn't know better.

And I want to tell you I'm proud of you. Sorry that you rarely hear that. But I mean it!

I am grateful to everyone, and you should be too!

You were the bravest child I know, and now you have turned into a woman.

Woman is a small word for you.

You fell a hundred times and stood up alone, because there was no one to give you a hand.

You pulled yourself up on your knees, got to the end, and got back on your feet!

And you, yourself, will manage to overcome your flaws, and you will prepare yourself to be the kind of mother that everyone wants to have. The mother that everyone should have.

I thank everyone who disappointed you, hurt you, and made you cry a million times.

I forgive them because they didn't know better, and I forgive them for not wanting to learn better.

Forgive me for hurting you. I will do everything in my power to make you happy.

And please don't ever forget, I'm proud of you!

Disclaimer:

The stories are seasoned with a lot of drama, and the characters are fictional because the drama starts when logic ends. ☺